For those who are the family member, relationship partner or (ex-partner) of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - non borderlines - there are countless traps and hooks in the need and even the want of letting go of a relationship (chosen or unchosen) with someone with BPD.
The first time a relationship appears to be on the rocks or ending the non borderline (even if the borderline is a family member that you are disengaging from relating to) will more often than not be met with hoovering - being re-contacted, or sought out, and being promised just about anything if one will stay involved with the borderline. These overtures are promises that the borderline who has not worked on any of his or her issues cannot possibly live up or consistently implement and maintain. Hoovering, when the non borderline engages it, invariably leads to a honeymoon phase. If you are in a cycling on-again off-again relational dynamic (not an unusual way to realize that one really has to end a relationship) the honeymoon phase of the hoovering promises will get shorter and shorter.
Promises made without the work having been done in therapy by the borderline will result in rupture after rupture. Nothing will change, In fact, things usually get progressively worse and all-too-often the non borderline gets even more embroiled, enmeshed, and invested in trying to rescue the hoovering borderline.
Letting go of a relationship that has ruptured with the person with BPD in your life not only presents many difficult challenges to most non borderlines but this letting go also unfolds a mystery of puzzle pieces that don't seem to fit together. This enigma that is, more often than not, an inability to achieve resolution with the borderline can keep a non borderline stuck, trapped, and held hostage to a type of emotional pain that rather than decrease upon the end of a relationship actually increases until and unless the non borderline can effectively learn what it takes to truly Break Free From The BPD Maze and find their way to what is now being referred to as non-borderline recovery.
I talk about this in my latest video below. I would also invite you to check out my Audio Programs and/or my Ebooks to learn much more about breaking free from the hoovering promises of a borderline in your life. My audios and ebooks can reinforce what is necessary for you to be as aware of as you can be in order to unravel the quest for a resolution and come to a deeper understanding of why what is happening for you on the other side of someone with BPD is happening or why it has happened. What was behind the powerful punch of the entire allure of the relationship in the first place? What has kept you involved? What do you need to know about yourself? What can you learn from all this?
As someone who had BPD and then recovered only to end up in an relationship with someone with BPD (and NPD) six years after that recovery, I know the pain of being on the non borderline side. I write about this relationship and all that it taught me and how I have been able to heal from it and leave it behind in my ebook Full Circle - Lessons for Non Borderlines which features over 85+ lessons that can aid non borderlines in letting go of the borderline and the constant quest, focus, sometimes even obsession of trying to make some sense out of it all.
Non borderlines will benefit greatly from as much understanding about the parallel and twisted "reality" that unwinds itself Inside The Borderline Mind but also must find a healthy balance between this quest for a greater understanding of everything borderline and the need to be as aware of one's own needs, responsibility, and issues as possible.
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